Something I wrote in a an email a while back...

"I use money as bookmarks. Today it just so happens that I don’t have any singles so I have to use a ten. Hopefully nobody steals it. I spent about three hours in a book store today. I found the newest treehouse book available and sat all mesmerized-like, my eyes dissecting all of its pages. Pete Nelson is my hero for sure. I half thought to buy it but instead chose to leave it on the wrong shelf, on the complete opposite side of the store, as if it stumbled upon the place all on its own…

"Of the two books I did leave with, the one follows the path I’ve been traveling for a while now. For about – a while now (which is a very calculable amount of time), I’ve had this ache in me to leave. One of my favorite verses is Romans 8:26. It says something about how God’s spirit prays for us when we don’t have words for what we’re feeling. It says the Spirit makes “prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans.” Thank God for that cause half the time I don’t even know what to ask for.

"The book I told you about… the perfect timing one?!? It’s called “Desire”. In it, John Eldridge talks about how most people have given up on their desires… most people stopped chasing them ages ago, and have instead taken to making the best of their ‘here and now’. They’ve somehow silenced their inner call or whatever. I can’t do that… or at least I haven’t been able to so far. I think, and the book confirms this, that my having a relationship with God makes ridding myself of this call pretty much impossible because according to Matthew 7:7, if I ask “it will be given to [me], seek and [I] will find, knock and the door will open.” Eldridge says “Jesus provokes desire. He awakens it. Heightens it.”

"And since my relationship with God has been changing for about – a while now, well, I’m ready to start seeking what I desire. I haven’t asked, but through my ‘aches and wordless sighs’ the Spirit has… and now, more than ever (it’s been building for about 5 years now), I’m crazy itching to go… to leave… to seek. I can’t tell you what I’ve been asking for, but I can tell you that whatever I’m looking for can’t be found here. (I just had an ‘ahha’ moment putting this to words like that.)

"The book… the one that follows the path I’ve been traveling for a while now… Its introduction leaves its reader with a prayer. It says “And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside you, about learning to love a woman... about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn’t it?

"'It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.

"'I want to repeat one word for you:

“'Leave.

“'Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn’t it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don’t worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed.'

"Huh.

"Yup.

"So there you go. My mind works so interestingly, don’t you think?!? Here I am thinking about how to talk about my books and God and my favorite verse or passage and somehow this ‘ache’ in me gave itself words and allowed a weight to be lifted from my shoulders. Somehow in writing you a bit of a hello and finally answering your question, I myself have found answers. I love it when God treats me to a smidge of his awesome wonder! :D"