December 25

Happy Birthday Baby Jesus! :D

My Name

In trying to explain my upcoming adventure to someone, I used the terms "wild" and "man" to describe myself... and then proceeded to immediately regret it.

You see, the problem with my comment is that it feels cheap... wrong... false... like I stole it, but not in a respectable way, you know... No, I feel like I took it off of the top shelf of somebody else’s trophy stand. Those are terms you earn... names you're given... you can't just give yourself names like that... they have to come from somewhere...

There's a movie that I've watched at least a dozen times in the last six months. It's called 'Wanted' (Universal Pictures, 2008) and I identify with parts of it PERFECTLY! On top of being stuck in this dead-end job that he hates, Wesley Gibson (James McAvoy) has a girlfriend that's cheating on him with his best friend, a whole bunch of prescriptions he takes when he gets crazy stressed out, and a dad (who he later learns was an assassin) that's been gone since he was one week old. He sums things up perfectly when he mentions the fact that he's often wondered if his dad's always seen him as a failure?!? (FYI: About the only thing I really identify with in the above is the job thing.)

After more storyline and some action junk Wesley ditches everything he knows- his whole life so far, in exchange for an opportunity to join this 'fraternity of assassins' and eventually- hopefully, score the revenge he's after towards the dude that he's been told murdered his dad. Right off the bat Wesley digs into these classes, or like training experiences to help him learn what he needs to know to succeed. Part of that is to meet this guy they call "the repairman". The repairman fixes "a lifetime of bad habits" which pretty much translates into getting the shit beat out of you until you get it... it being... well...

After a while of 'training' things just aren't moving along the way they need to be. For whatever reason, Wesley hasn't quite died to himself enough to really go at this training passionately, or at least not to his 'coworker's' approval. This is where I identify the most. Wesley's all but given up. Things aren't being run the way he thinks would be best. He's forever in pain, constantly being told to do this and that with little in the way of an explanation, and in his mind, the things they're putting him through are only delaying his break at revenge. He flat out tells a guy that he thinks 'this is bullshit', while in everyone else’s eyes he's just not getting it... so they up the Annie.

The next scene opens with Wesley walking all casual-like towards the repairman only to be head-butted by a girl, almost knocking him out cold. She yells "You're wasting my f-ing time! Why are you here?!?" - "I don't know" he replies, as he stumbles around, "so hit me!" And she does, in the face, much the way you'd picture a dude punching somebody in the face as hard as he could. The next burst of seconds are filled with him getting owned by this girl: "Why are you here?" she says again... "I just hate life, so why wouldn't I?" (Punch, punch, punch.) He says "what do you want me to say?" (WAM!) "WHY ARE YOU HERE?!?" - "I don't know!" (Slow motion punch to the face, brass knuckles in place, blood/fluids fly.) "WHY ARE YOU HERE?!?" - "I don't know!" (Full blown kick to the gut.) "WHY ARE YOU HERE?!?" - "I don't know!" (Slow motion head smash into steel frame of car.) "WHY ARE YOU HERE?!?" (Punch, punch, punch.) "WHY ARE YOU HERE?!?" - "Because I don't know who I am." (End of beat down.) "What did you say?!?" - "I said... I said I don't know who I am..."

I don't know who I am.

I really don't.

I don’t know that I’m ‘wild’ or a ‘man’... I don't know that I've got what it takes... and I don't think that I can figure that out through anybody other than God... and that is where this whole adventure thing comes in. That's what I'm hoping to find... to figure out... to learn... I'm hoping God'll tell me who I am.

Excited

I'm pretty excited for Friday, Saturday, Sunday... Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday! Can't wait!!!

The thing about that...

I keep having some really intense dreams... dreams that seem excruciatingly real. So far they've had to do with 1) feeling like someone was pinning me down, so much so that I wake up in cold sweats- screaming, 2) reliving some depressing shit that happened a while back and 3) experiencing an uncomfortable conversation- one that hasn't happened but that I've always dreaded might... and all of them leave me feeling worn out and broken in the morning.

- - -

The thing about that is that I'm planning a 20+ mile hammock packing (like backpacking) trip for either late December or early January. The trail I'm planning on hiking does a loop, first heading south down the west side of a river, then crossing it, and returning north along the east side of the river. As long as everything goes well, I'll end up at my car between 2 and 4 days later, depending on how long I want to stay out.

The thing about that is that I pretty much hate being alone when it gets dark, especially when I'm out in the middle of nowhere, and as of late, I haven't been able to find anyone to go with me. My parents don't want me going alone. They're worried I'll get eaten by a bear or die of hypothermia or something. I share their worries, but I also feel like I kind of need to make this happen.

The thing about that is that I'm reading John Eldredge's "Wild at Heart" right now and yesterday I read some stuff that really made me think I have to go. I'm to the part of the book where it talks about how all men have this wound and in order to heal their wound (or to have God heal it for you), you have to enter into it. I don't really know how to explain my wound, but I know it hasn't been dealt with yet and I kind of feel like it's time... I know this sounds vague and spotty but I really feel like God's asking me to meet him, similar to how things happened in the book "The Shack". I kind of feel like God wants me alone, on His terms, so we can deal with my wound, and once my wound's been figured out, well, then hopefully God will give me my new name.

And the thing about that is that I don't have the slightest clue as to what my new name could even be. The name thing goes back to (and this is going to be the simplest of explanations), but the name thing come from the "Wild at Heart" book for one, but it's also something that happens in the bible in a bunch of different spots. It has to do with how when Christ calls us to follow Him we leave our old life behind and become of a new man in Christ... the purpose of the new name is to separate us from our old life. Back in bible times Abram became Abraham, Jacob became Israel and Saul became the Apostle Paul. Eldgredge gave examples like the dude from the movie "Gladiator" where early on in the movie he was only known as Maximus Meridius but after he goes through all of the crap he went through, well, he then says he's "Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next."

But that's not really what this dream thing is about, I don't think... At least not the name thing... The thing about the dream thing is that I think it's sort of God's way of helping me figure out my whole wound thing... because like Eldredge says in his book, we have to be able to enter into the wound to be able to have it healed...

So that's what I have to say about that...