My Name

In trying to explain my upcoming adventure to someone, I used the terms "wild" and "man" to describe myself... and then proceeded to immediately regret it.

You see, the problem with my comment is that it feels cheap... wrong... false... like I stole it, but not in a respectable way, you know... No, I feel like I took it off of the top shelf of somebody else’s trophy stand. Those are terms you earn... names you're given... you can't just give yourself names like that... they have to come from somewhere...

There's a movie that I've watched at least a dozen times in the last six months. It's called 'Wanted' (Universal Pictures, 2008) and I identify with parts of it PERFECTLY! On top of being stuck in this dead-end job that he hates, Wesley Gibson (James McAvoy) has a girlfriend that's cheating on him with his best friend, a whole bunch of prescriptions he takes when he gets crazy stressed out, and a dad (who he later learns was an assassin) that's been gone since he was one week old. He sums things up perfectly when he mentions the fact that he's often wondered if his dad's always seen him as a failure?!? (FYI: About the only thing I really identify with in the above is the job thing.)

After more storyline and some action junk Wesley ditches everything he knows- his whole life so far, in exchange for an opportunity to join this 'fraternity of assassins' and eventually- hopefully, score the revenge he's after towards the dude that he's been told murdered his dad. Right off the bat Wesley digs into these classes, or like training experiences to help him learn what he needs to know to succeed. Part of that is to meet this guy they call "the repairman". The repairman fixes "a lifetime of bad habits" which pretty much translates into getting the shit beat out of you until you get it... it being... well...

After a while of 'training' things just aren't moving along the way they need to be. For whatever reason, Wesley hasn't quite died to himself enough to really go at this training passionately, or at least not to his 'coworker's' approval. This is where I identify the most. Wesley's all but given up. Things aren't being run the way he thinks would be best. He's forever in pain, constantly being told to do this and that with little in the way of an explanation, and in his mind, the things they're putting him through are only delaying his break at revenge. He flat out tells a guy that he thinks 'this is bullshit', while in everyone else’s eyes he's just not getting it... so they up the Annie.

The next scene opens with Wesley walking all casual-like towards the repairman only to be head-butted by a girl, almost knocking him out cold. She yells "You're wasting my f-ing time! Why are you here?!?" - "I don't know" he replies, as he stumbles around, "so hit me!" And she does, in the face, much the way you'd picture a dude punching somebody in the face as hard as he could. The next burst of seconds are filled with him getting owned by this girl: "Why are you here?" she says again... "I just hate life, so why wouldn't I?" (Punch, punch, punch.) He says "what do you want me to say?" (WAM!) "WHY ARE YOU HERE?!?" - "I don't know!" (Slow motion punch to the face, brass knuckles in place, blood/fluids fly.) "WHY ARE YOU HERE?!?" - "I don't know!" (Full blown kick to the gut.) "WHY ARE YOU HERE?!?" - "I don't know!" (Slow motion head smash into steel frame of car.) "WHY ARE YOU HERE?!?" (Punch, punch, punch.) "WHY ARE YOU HERE?!?" - "Because I don't know who I am." (End of beat down.) "What did you say?!?" - "I said... I said I don't know who I am..."

I don't know who I am.

I really don't.

I don’t know that I’m ‘wild’ or a ‘man’... I don't know that I've got what it takes... and I don't think that I can figure that out through anybody other than God... and that is where this whole adventure thing comes in. That's what I'm hoping to find... to figure out... to learn... I'm hoping God'll tell me who I am.